What too much Cold Case does to your soul

When I had my first son, actually when I was pregnant with my first son, I developed a spirit of fear and worry like no one you’ve ever met. For those of you that have known me for any length of time prior to having children you know this is a far cry from who I use to be. I saw danger in nothing! I drove my mom crazy! She would say, “Michaela! I can’t believe you didn’t lock the door. Someone could just walk in on you and you would never know it!” My reply, “Well, if they want in the house, they’ll get in the house. Wouldn’t you rather not have to pay to fix the window or the door.” Also, “Michaela, you do not need to jump off that!” “Michaela, you do not need to go that fast!” “Michaela, you don’t need to eat that, I’ve heard it causes cancer.” and on, and on, and on. My reply, “Mom, everyone has to die of something.” I was genuinely afraid of nothing. Oh, how I miss those days.

Let me explain the ridiculousness of my worry. When I was pregnant with Zander, I would literally sit in bed awake until my husband got home a night. It did not matter what time he got home, I would stay awake until he walked through the door. After Zander was born, I felt it was a good idea to build a house with bullet proof windows and iron doors (no kidding) AND an alarm system. But until then I would have to be satisfied with staying awake all night, sitting by the door, with a gun in my lap. :-/ LUDACRIS!! I can’t even shoot a gun! But it gets worse.

When I had Casen… oh dear. It got so bad that my OB gave me anxiety medication. (which I do not take) My chest gets tight, I feel like I’m going to vomit, my hands sweat, I shake, I cannot shut my mind off for half a second, I hear every noise times 1000! My thought process, (try to keep up) “What if someone breaks into the house? Where am I going to go? The windows are too high for me to get out of a bedroom window, especially with the babies, but both doors are on the same side of the house, where will I go? I’ll hide in the closet…but what if the kids cry? They’ll hear us. I have to get out of the house. But I can’t carry both boys at one time, and jump out of the window, and there is no way I would have time for two trips. What if someone sneaks in a steals them? They would be so scared. My heart can’t handle ever having to think about them being afraid. Would God forgive me if I killed that person, because I really think I would kill them? What if Zander wants to ride stupid motorcycles, what if he dies, or breaks his neck and is paralyzed. Would he rather die? Would I be selfless enough to do the best thing for his life, instead of keeping him for myself? What if I get in a car wreck and they get killed, or hurt really bad. What if they developed a degenerative disease, or cancer, or autism. Oh no, the wind is blow pretty hard, we better get to Darlene's. (That is my mother-in-law and they have a basement. We do not.)”…. It goes on. But I’ll leave you with that.

It’s something that I have no choice but to get under control. Not only for me, but for my family. I don’t want the boys to miss out on any aspect of life because of my worry! And I’m so tired of constantly worrying. It is so consuming, especially when I am alone with the kids. Besides that, I’ve enveloped a spirit of FEAR, a spirit of WORRY. That is not of God. And as my father, He does not want that for my life. Just as it would rip my heart into shreds if I ever had to think the boys were afraid, it does His also.

Don’t worry about anything; Instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. (Phil 4:6)

– God, I NEED you to take this from me. I need you to help me trust that my life, my family’s life, is held in your hands. No amount of worry is going to change any circumstance. Our future is already written out. You know what it holds. Thank you for giving me such wonderful blessings that I am so undeserving of. And help me to enjoy them in the fullest.

Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. (Matt 7:7)
And we can be confident that He will listen to us whenever we ask Him for anything in line with His will. ( 1 John 5:14)
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. …. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. (Is. 41:10)
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30

That being said, I have complete confidence that, if I can GET OVER MYSELF, and put all my trust in my God, this burden can and will be lifted from me. I claim it and proclaim it! But if you drive by the house at two in the morning, and see a light on…I’m probably up with the baby. If you drive by my house at two in the morning and see ALL the lights on, say a prayer, or bring in your sleeping bag and plan to stay the night! Actually, if your driving by my house at two in the morning I probably don't want you in my house at all. :-S

To bring back the unafraid days, I’m signing off with the ever popular phrase, Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease. Until next time!